Wednesday, June 6, 2012

WTF Wednesday - The "No Longer Cool as a Cucumber" Edition

I know how much you love blog posts with video. Stick with me...or scroll down real fast.  

I began writing this blog over a year ago at a time when I thought the spontaneity of my life was interesting and all of the whacky goings-on in the Suitcase House were worthy of sharing. I wanted other people to see a real person, who is living through her "How the hell did I get here?" years and realize it wasn't all that bad. Hmmm.

I used to be (sorta) cool. I occasionally went out to dinner. I'd say my clothes were at least above average on the style bell curve. I had witty things to say. I could actually hold an interesting conversation that didn't include my sales pitch on how you REALLY can't taste the spinach in a green smoothie or recipes I've tried in my crock pot.

But tonight, I had what Oprah would call an ah-ha moment: The former Ali is gone. She might be hiding in the belly roll that flops over my shorts. This new Ali is lame and boring.

This evening, I left the kids with their sick father to go to the grocery store for bread and milk. I feel compelled to say "a loaf of bread, a container of milk and a stick of butter" here. Children of the 80's! Who's with me? Sesame Street in the HOUSE! 


So the grocery store... I'm wearing my hair in my regular pony tail, no makeup other than a half assed swipe of lipstick I put on in the parking lot. I had my glasses on because I'm too scared to wear my contacts because we've been infested with pinkeye this week. YES, my life is that awesome. My get-up was topped off with a green tank top with my bra straps showing and a pair of khaki shorts I bought at my favorite boutique, Costco.

And here, my friends, is where I hit an all time low. I am a dork. No getting around it. Why I felt compelled to embark on this conversation and impart my infinite wisdom on a disinterested, yet polite participant, I do not know.

But rather than telling you what happened, I had Ryan recreate it with me for your viewing pleasure. Let me set the scene: Publix at 8:00 p.m. Ali enters the express lane with truly less than 10 items (a departure from the 12 I usually try to sneak through). Check out boy looks like the chubby kid from Two and a Half Men.

Enjoy:

18 comments:

  1. This is just too darn funny. Loved the captions you put in the video, especially where you question knowing all about phallically shaped vegetables.

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  2. I hope you petted the vegetables for the check out boy too. I enjoyed it very much because this too is my life. I hate when they ask me what a vegetable is, it usually shocks me back to the moment and I blank then I feel like an idiot. You played your hand way better than I usually do!

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  3. Did you pet the phallicly shaped vegetable for the 16-year-old checkout boy?

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    1. No Rox, but I did point at it several times. I usually point at, not pet phallicly shaped items.

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  4. Holy smokes. I hope you were not rubbing the cucumber in front of that young man. People have been arrested for less! ; )

    Awesome video. And the fact that you recognize you are not cool is a good step. I sometimes still think I'm cool and make a complete ass out of myself.

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  5. You look just like this person my wife had over to the house last week.

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  6. I think he just wanted to see you fondle the cucumber.

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  7. You had me at chubby kid from Two and Half Men!

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  8. Hey, he did ask, so he got what he wanted. And did he really say little kids are like alcoholics?? That right there is a huge WTF!

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  9. You do suck, but at least you know a lot about vegetables. I suck too, I know what kale is.

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  10. Lol. You are too funny. Nice recreation!!! I'm amazed sometimes at the inane conversation I have with check-out people.

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  11. Bwhahahaha! You schooled a kid about cucumbers. I love it.

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  12. No no no no no....this was the most glorious thing on the internetz ALL WEEK LONG! My gosh I do love you. And that Ryan played along so well. He's awesome.

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  13. Ha ha you seriously crack me up :)

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  14. Buying milk and bread, was there a hurricane warning down there? I will never be able to look at cucumbers the same way again.

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  15. That is hilarious. And possibly a reason people should stop eating cucumbers.

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